How do we deal with the sadness we feel? My few insights on depression

I am sending my warmest greeting from the cold Hokkaido winter to everyone! The time that the bright sun is shining is getting shorter as winter solstice is arriving. This season does affect all our moods but this also means that the holidays are just around the corner! Maybe this is the reason why these holidays were set on literally the darkest days of the year, so that we can illuminate the days with our warm feelings and harmoniously live the long dark nights and contemplate. 

I have just returned from my trip to the Philippines and it was one of my most educational trip I had so far. I am very happy to be reunited, even if it's just a week, with my love and talk with my mentors and good friends. I made sure to be able to have a conversation with them about one of the direst issues that affects people of a wide spectrum of ages- depression.

The sector of scientific medicine has already confirmed this mental health issue but many are still unaware or are still in denial of this real illness. Causes still vary and the exact source still seem to be shrouded in mystery but I may have found one of the possible sources. Allow me to share my opinion on this issue and I would like to approach this with utmost care of my words and expression. I know some of my friends have gone through this and may even be going through this currently. Some of you may even have loved ones who are going through this and are still struggling with its consequences. 

So, before I start sharing my actual insights, I would like for you to take three deep breaths and simply read in silence. 

Breathe In, Breathe Out

In, Out

In, Out

I deeply regard this as one of the issues that has affected my life because it has affected the lives of my loved ones. I would like to approach this the way an awakened person, the way a Buddha, would approach this- through deep inward reflection.

Depression is a suffering that all of us has gone through in some point of our lives. It may have been caused by an event in our lives that has caused deep sadness such as a loved one passing away, or some misfortune in our business, or even as simply as failing a simple written exam. The depth and intensity varies among all of us but the feeling of sadness is there and the time we spend on the feeling of sadness causes the depression to deepen. 

For us to be able to solve a problem, we first have to accept that it exists. One thing I noticed is that depression is not openly talked about. It is as if some people are still in denial it exists and some perceive it as simply a "drama" in life or is simply an illusory problem. We cannot solve any problem if we did not accept that the problem exists. Acceptance that the issue exists is the very first key in understanding depression. Depression is real, it is not an illusion. The consequences of depression are real, people are getting disconnected from their loved ones, cutting their interaction with friends, stopped going to school, and in very saddening cases, taking their own lives. We can feel its effect all around us and it is very real. The illusion here is that there is no solution. Those who have dwelled in depression and unfortunately took their own lives may have thought that there was no other way out, that solutions are an illusion. Please believe me that there are solutions and many of us are simply unequipped with the proper tools to handle our feelings.

Give yourself some time to recognize and accept that the problem exists. Do not turn away from it, do not run away, do not pretend it does not exist. It is there, and as with any problems in life, it has a solution. We can never solve any problem if we cannot look at it directly, so this very first step is essential. This allows us to have a clearer view of the problem. It can help if you can find a quiet place where you can feel your feelings and have time to recognize them. You can take a stroll in a quiet forest or sit in a quiet park. Many have difficulty recognizing their feelings because there is too much distortion and distraction around. Social networking sites are easily reachable within our pockets, television, radio, loud music, loud people, are everywhere to distract us from our problems. Unfortunately, if this continues, we are one day surprised that the feeling has already lingered too long and has now grown far too big for us to handle. 

So, give yourself some time to be with yourself. Give yourself the opportunity to be connected with the most important person in your life, your own self. 

Now that we have accepted and recognized its existence, we can now delve in deeper and explore its possible causes. Many events in our lives happen without our control. Even some sad moments in our lives are beyond of what we can do but luckily there are a few things that we have control on, our feelings and our actions. One of the reasons why our world is very chaotic is because many people are not able to understand their feelings and have control over their actions. 

Have you had experiences when you lashed out or shouted at someone because you felt angry? Did you feel that you were in control of your anger or were you controlled by your anger? When you are irritated or disagree with someone do you react violently and use hurtful words? When you are sad or suffering or your heart is in pain, do you simply cry and let it devour you or do you do something to relieve the suffering? And if you indeed do something about it, does this solve the problem or are you simple propagating more suffering? This is my insight on some people who unfortunately choose suicide as their solution to their suffering. I am deeply saddened to think that these people who have undergone tremendous suffering perceive suicide as the endpoint of their suffering when in reality, the suffering propagates to their loved ones who care deeply for them. One of the main reasons of this world's problems, I believe, is our inability to understand our feeling and control our actions. Even with our logic and our scientific tools, people still allow their feelings to control their actions and cause tremendous suffering.

When we recognize our feelings, we are one step closer into understanding them and we are now aware of what actions will follow. When we are angry, we now know that we are angry, and can now think clearly of what actions are possible to handle this anger. When we are sad, we now know that we are sad, and can now think of ways how to handle this sadness. When we are sad, should we dwell in the sadness? This is where one of the teaching of Buddha comes in handy, the teaching of impermanence. Accodring to him, nothing in this life is permanent, but this doesn't mean that we should be sad. This simply means that if we are sad at this point in our life, it means that it is not permanent, and happiness will soon come our way. When we are happy, we will cherish more our moments of happiness because we know that there will always be sad moments in the future. Should we be scared then if we are happy? Absolutely not! In fact, we should even be happier when we are happy because we know that this moment is only for happiness! If we are sad, we now know that happiness will soon arrive, so now, we can be happy! Without the polarity of up and down or left or right, the wheel of life cannot move forward. When we are talking with our loved one or any person in fact, we know that they or us are impermanent so we cherish more our moment with them and leave our smart phones behind and give our full presence to them. The greatest gift we can give and receive to any one is our full presence. If we have any friends who are depressed, our presence is our greatest gift. If we are depressed, the greatest gift we can give to our friend who is with us is our "graceful receiving" as what Fred Rogers mentioned in one of his interviews. Whether or not we can understand or agree with what they are saying, just simply being there is the greatest gift we can give and receive. If we understand this, we can now sincerely reach out to someone if we are suffering or reach out to someone who is suffering. We can be honest with our own self and speak honestly of what we truly feel. If we can truly convey our feelings without any aggression, then we can also accept sincere words and actions from those who truly wanted to help.

I have mentioned earlier about the ubiquitous distortion and distraction with the present age of convenience and digital interactions. I truly believe that one of the major sources of depression is the feeling of disconnection despite the convenient world of internet connection. We seem to have been disconnected with our own self and with our Creator that we have started questioning our purpose in life. We are now spending more time trying to figure out why do we exist than simply enjoying living harmoniously with the beautiful creations. In order to fill this void of disconnection, we drown ourselves with information from the news, instagram, twitter, facebook, and many others. We seek fulfillness from artificial ephemeral objects yet we still feel disconnected. 

I believe that all of us are not disconnected from our own Being and our Creator. We are simply masking the connection, creating the illusion of disconnection. One of the ways we can remove this mask is by being more in touch with our own being by providing time of silence for reflection and reverence. Instead of binge watching dramas and movies, which only creates more chaos within us, we should find more time to be silent and be in touch with nature. I truly believe that if we have trouble trying to unmask our connection, nature can help us be in touch with our center. I also believe that this is why the indigenous people enjoyed living with nature without spending too much time pondering on their existence. In the bible, God provided Adam and Eve the Earth as a paradise to enjoy life and creations. The moment that they dissected life and tried to know its functions, they felt disconnected. 

We are here to live in peace, harmony, and love with all of the creations!

Don't worry too much on those feelings of anger or sadness, for these too shall pass and know that you have control over them. 

I am praying everyday and sending my intentions, that all of us will someday be a loving neighbor for one another and truly live a Heaven on this Earth.

"Isn't it wonderful to imagine that an infinite number of stars exist above you so as within you?"

(Photo taken on my family homestead on December 14, 2017, the day after I arrived from the Philippines) 

Do we really have to make an impact or make a difference?

It's been a while since my last post. The homestead has been quite busy lately with construction and farm works. As what my farmer friends commonly say "there's always something to do everyday," and there actually is something that needs to be done each and every day. For tonight, unlike other nights when I just go to bed early, I was moved to write on an issue that has been instilled on the minds and hearts of our generation, and that is "making a difference".

About nine years ago, I was able to go to one of the most prestigious college in the Philippines, the University of the Philippines Los Baños. This school is known in the Philippines as one of the top schools to go to when one wishes to learn Agriculture Sciences. I remember the Dean telling us that we are the "cream of the crop," that we were among the best of the best. That time I did not believe a word he said, and until now, honestly, I still do not. We were told that we will make a great impact on our nation, that the University has produced hundreds, maybe even thousands of scientists that helped push Philippines to greater heights. Many of the students, especially the competitive ones, were all fired up and inspired. I wasn't. Even at that time, I knew that there was something wrong.

I would like to point out that making a difference to the community or nation is not entirely a bad thing, when done in the proper order. What I found lacking when I was in the University is that there is no building of the being, the individual, the core values, and the rooting. Without rooting of oneself to a solid ground, when we try to impact the society first hand, it will be susceptible to fail due to our egos muddying our perspective. What I found mostly common in our generation is that we choose to shout out our movements, focus on publication materials, taking the perfect shots, and we try our best to portray ourselves as someone who we are not. Maybe in the beginning we had virtuous ideals, but along the way, we get strayed from where we truly want to go to because we are not rooted properly. 

I questioned the statement that we should do something to impact our society. Currently, I know that actions and efforts done humbly, quietly, and slowly, are the true steps to improving the society. Prior to that, we must first make an impact on our own selves. You want to make a difference to the society? Well, do something to change your own self first. If I can't discipline my own self, how can I even dare to imagine changing the society? If I can't choose the right thing, when no one is around, how can I sincerely do the right thing for everyone? Recently, I am humbled by my actions here in this small piece of land in the mountains. Last year, I felt that my steps are too small, too silent for anyone to hear. I almost lost my will to push through, but I did try to push trhough. I moved forward slowly, with the guidance of my family and friends. Slowly, amazing, good people came to this town. I didn't make any loud statements, they simply arrived, and when they did arrive, I was very happy, and helped them with all I could, no matter how small. I trust that this was the result of all of our small efforts to improve our own selves. So, I threw away the idea of changing the society or the world. I focused on my own self, on my own land. This does not mean that I do not care for others or ignore their needs, it simply means that I am rooting myself properly so that when the time comes that they need help, I can help them sincerely and know that my intentions are not shrouded by my ego. I will know that I need not shout out my achievements or the things I did to help them. I can share some ideas for educational purposes but not to improve my self-esteem. I do not need to boost my self-esteem any longer because I know where my ground lies. 

Forcing oneself to make a difference or an impact to the society, or comparing oneself to others who are making an impact, is one of the sources of unhappiness that may lead to depression. When I was in the University, we were told to offer ourselves to the nation and make a difference. But I strongly believe that prior to serving others, we should learn first how to overcome our demons, our egos, and be sincerely grateful for the experience of living. We should learn first how to appreciate what is directly in our grasp, and that is our own self. Appreciation means taking care of our own health, giving time for us to contemplate on nature, forgiving our mistakes, choosing the right choice,  and understanding our own self.

Here on this land, nature may seem harsh. It's inconvenient, the winter is cold, not many people visit, most of the time I am silent, there are far too many insects, wild animals appear, and countless more challenges but what I do appreciate is that I have time for myself. I have time to reflect on  my past actions, time to appreciate the warmth of the sun during winter and the cool breeze during summer, time to know when bad thoughts arise, time to know how to handle them, and time to learn how to truly live. Yes, maybe someday I can do some sort of impact to the society but  I am sure of one thing- I have added one more person to this world who is changing himself for the better, and that is the biggest impact that I can currently do, and all of us can do it! Imagine that, all of us, changing our own self to be better humans, more loving, understanding, forgiving, humble, happy, and content. We will not need to make conscious effort to impact the society because each individual is rooted properly to Love.

The Beautiful Community in the Eastern Hills of Iwamizawa City, Hokkaido, Japan

Rainy days such as today give me time to sit, focus, and regroup my thoughts and activities to be done. I am happy to be able to write again after weeks of busyness here in the land. I have planted strawberries and garlic for next year's humble income and prepared the shiitake logs.

Strawberry seedling mulched with straw

Preparing beds for garlic with straw as mulch

Shiitake fungi spreading beautifully on the logs

I am finally done with some of the biggest field jobs that I have to do for this year so now, I can move on to finishing my tiny house! But, before that, I have time to write on this blog.

I have searched far and wide in Hokkaido and in other parts of Japan for a place where we can settle and start the homestead but many were not very welcome. Many were doubtful of our intentions and did not provide any full help. There are thousands of hectares of unused farmlands that are left abandoned and sadly, many towns leave them as they are. Many government officials that we have encountered looked at it as troublesome and thought that it is not worth the effort to fix the documents of the land. When we were already desperate, we encountered this land here. I was not expecting any help from the community because of my previous experiences but once I approached the local office, the people  were welcoming and helpful. The current local community developers, who are now my good friends, invited me to events in the community to get to know them better. I met the local farmers and artists living in the town. Many of the people who live in this town are builders and DIYers(do-it-yourself builders).

I met this farmer who owns a big orchard, though they are not growing organically, they help the people who move in to this town by providing part-time jobs. Last year, I was saved financially by helping in their farm. The best thing was, they told us to work in our own time. We can decide for ourselves what time or day do we want to work. I was able to work on my land on sunny days and work on theirs on rainy days. They also gave me advice on the climate on this area, places where I can buy cheap materials, and showed me some available lands.

I also met this old guy who also grows shiitake mushrooms in this community. This guy is like my grandfather! He visits me regularly to check on my shiitake and provides me with helpful advice. He showed me all the ropes around growing shiitake and other wild vegetables. Even though I will be growing the same mushroom, which makes me a potential competitor, he still shared with me all his mistakes, his successes, and showed me the beauty of doing things small-scale.

There are also local people who moved in to this community recently and are helpful in all ways! They tell me what available materials that I can procure, such as tiles, firewood, bathroom, windows, and many more! It's almost as if I don't have to spend much money on materials. 

Many of these people who have moved and are starting to move in to this community are people who have built things for themselves. Who chose to do it with their own hands rather than paying somebody else. Many of these people have evidently suffered in their lives and are now reaping the harvests of their hard work. I can feel that this community will become brighter and warmer by the year. Though not all of them are aware of the things that I am aware of, I'm sure we are all guided to gather here on this community. 

There is this wonderful Japanese phrase that are commonly uttered here "住めば都" (Sumeba Miyako). It translates as "as you live(in that place) it becomes your home". This is true in its entirety. I was a foreigner, an outsider, but the land accepted me, the people accepted me, and I can definitely say that this is my home now. No amount of missile from North Korea will make me leave this place for this is the place where the next of my kin will be born. This is the place where I shall see them grow along with the children of my friends who are moving in to this place. This is the place where we can show that there is no need for fancy slogans, forceful gatherings, or egoistic "alternative" lifestyle facade to gather people in a community. The attraction of people in this community may have been started by a family, quietly, patiently living in this small town. Through their mindful silence of satisfaction, joy, and hard work, the people slowly arrived and now I have also arrived.

I will not say "Come move in here" or "This is the best place in the world". This place is the one that I can Love with my whole self and I can help make this the best place for people like us. This place is the one that I can put my effort in to fostering and beautifying not because I want more people to come but to simply revive the beauty of this Yezo (land in Ainu language). As this place beautifies and energizes, people with the same wavelength come.

Maybe someday, I can be like the farmer and the old guy who helped me and be an Angel for other people. I am sure that the small and humble steps we are making are making thunderous sounds in the Universe.

Someday from one, there will be two, and three and four people on this land

The Five Steps to True Societal Change

It has been almost two months since my last post, and that was the birthday of my Co-creator. Everything is bursting with life, the freezing winter seems so distant, and all beings are frolicking in the summer heat and rain. 

Blue skies, lush green vegetation, harmonious chirps of birds, buzzing bees

I have been very busy planting, hand weeding, and building the tiny house that I haven't created the energy to write a new post. I am blessed to have visitors coming in the homestead every week and bringing good news and new opportunities to make life brighter and more meaningful. Having to do several tasks within a short span of season takes a lot of energy and requires concentration so that I can provide my full presence with each activity. But, as I lack practice on mindfulness, my energy gets drained and I lose focus and concentration. As my energy gets drained the results of any activity becomes poorer and I had to redo several tasks. I am reminded again that to be able to be there for others, one has to be there for oneself, first and foremost. I was focused on simply doing tasks and forgot to get back inside, to my own healing. My body feels tired and sluggish as I continue to ignore its plea to rest. Fortunately, I found a time to rest and sit and contemplate and appreciate. Now, I am writing this new post on Awareness.

When I visited my Co-Creator in the Philippines, in one of our meaningful conversations, a deep insight has arose within me and I immediately shared it with her and now, I am sharing it here. In the Philippines, I will bluntly say that suffering can be seen everywhere and it is not being concealed in any fancy masks. In Japan, suffering is masked with convenience, social welfare supports, and being protected by strong sense of maintaining the status quo.

I have found out, through deep looking, that true societal change can be attained in five simple steps. If any of the steps is overlooked, the movement or action that we will do for the community or society may cause more suffering.

The first step is awareness of your own suffering. You are aware that you are afflicted. You are humble enough to accept that you are suffering and it is caused by inner and outer factors. You are aware of your own greed, your own inclinations, and your own mistakes. Many people gets stuck in this awareness that they tend to blame themselves and result to depression. The key to overcome this step is to simply be aware and not attached to your afflictions. Look at your afflictions and tell them "Hello dear afflictions, I know you are there. You are there but you are not who I really am." This is one of the ways Thich Nhat Hanh has taught us how to deal with feelings and mental perceptions. You do not ignore your afflictions and pretend they do not exist. Pride is the one blinding us from our afflictions and as we ignore them, they grow bigger and root deeper that these affliction seem so natural to us. So, simply accept their existence within you and give them your full presence.

The second step is awareness of the suffering of others. Some people skip the first step and immediately focus on the suffering of others. This may seem virtuous at first glance but behind it lies a dangerous trap. If one only looks at the suffering of others, we may have the tendency to feel more superior or more "blessed" than others. We may overlook the fact that all of us inter-are and are connected. We may be trapped in the notion that their suffering is more than ours. We must first be aware of our own suffering to have a true and realistic view of the suffering of others. To be truly empathic of others suffering, we must be deeply in touch with our own suffering first so that we would not judge others immediately. If we are truly in touch with our own suffering, when we see a person making mistakes, we would not think "That person is a bad person and he or she must be punished". Rather, we would think "He or she is suffering like I am. His or her actions are reflections of the sufferings he or she has gone through." We should not think beyond this for now. We shouldn't think immediately of what we can do for others. We should first think of what we should do within ourselves, what we should do to overcome our afflictions.

The third step is making actions and efforts to face your suffering. If you are suffering with pride, then try to focus your energies on your feelings and balance your pride with humility. If you are suffering with greed, then balance it with discipline and generosity. If you are suffering with loneliness, balance it with the openness to meet new people and friends. If you are suffering in a relationship, don't allow pride to hinder your openness. When you are suffering or hurt by your partner, the very first person you talk to is your partner. Tell them that you are hurt and tell them to help you overcome this. Ask them the reason why they have caused you suffering. To be able to relieve the suffering of the one you love, you must be able to overcome your suffering as well even if this was caused by the very people you love.

The fourth step is to re-evaluate yourself. Look again deeply within you and observe if there are any hints of self-satisfaction in the movement or action that you are about to do for others. This fourth step is overlooked by many and jump to making action in the community or the country. Many people are doing something in the mask of doing it for others when in reality the action stems from the sense of self-satisfaction or self-righteousness. This action usually results in phrases such as "At least I am doing something, what are you doing?" "I am sacrificing myself for others, how about you?". When phrases such as these are being uttered by people who are trying to incite societal change, they are likely trapped in their ego. When one is truly in touch with one's own suffering and other's suffering and the action springs from true intention of healing, the actions will be silent, without proclamation, but strong and steady with each step. Without this fourth step, the action will be ephemeral and will cause greater distortion and suffering. 

The fifth step is the actual Doing with Being. You are now in touch with yourself and with others, and you have balanced yourself and re-evaluated yourself. You can now do the action or the movement for others, community, or country without being strayed by your ego. You are now Doing while Being. You are no longer sacrificing yourself because you know your completeness and you have an Eternal Source of energy. You no longer give something in expense of your own because you are completely aware and you feel that their suffering is your own and their happiness is your own. You will not be brought down by naysayers and you know you need not feed their energies because you know that silence with compassionate action is the loudest form of change. You work under the beautiful shade of humility, without acknowledgement, without fame, because you know that the false light of good deed in fame is a deed cloaked in self-righteousness and self-satisfaction. Your action, no matter how small, will reverberate throughout the cosmos and bring change within each person you encounter and will soon bring everlasting societal change. 

Try to go into the first step first before proclaiming your actions. Maybe some of us are lost somewhere within the four steps. I have been lost somewhere as well and I am now doing something in a small spot in this beautiful earth, silently planting, hand weeding, and dancing with the butterflies and await patiently and eagerly for the arrival of good tidings.

I am doing this not because you are wrong, or they are wrong, but I am doing this because I am happy and with this energy, I can water the seeds of happiness within you.

(Photo of a Cosmos in Ginhawa Cafe in the Philippines)

What is our purpose in life? Is there even a purpose?

One of the greatest challenges that adults and youth face in this era is the loss of sense of existence.

Why do we exist?

What is our purpose?

I do not know what I want to do in my life.

Is there even any meaning to life?

Am I on the right path?

These may be some of the thoughts visiting our minds during one of our silent moments.

Many people choose to ignore their longing for answers of these questions by being more busy with work or studies, going to loud gatherings, drugs, and sex to name a few. What's more saddening is that some people are so tied to their escape plan that they themselves are not aware that they are suffering because of their ignorance to these questions.

There are also those who are aware of these questions and spend many of their days searching for answers. I myself went through this. I also spent many hours reading philosophical and spiritual books, trying to understand how these "enlightened" people reached their states. I tried to understand everything through logic and reasoning, with my intellectual mind. I found myself spending more time reading and contemplating, than doing and immersing myself in the journey. When I got so fed up with all of the thinking and reasoning, that's where the light at the end of the tunnel appeared.

Here's what I found out. 

The specific questions actually don't matter. If they do visit your mind, simply welcome them, say something like this to your thoughts.

"Hello existential questions, I welcome you. I will embrace you. What are your questions? I may not be able to answer them but I will listen to your questions."

Embrace these questions with happiness and love. You should never shun them out nor ignore them. Instead, embrace them with your loving energies and mindfulness. Simply listen. By listening to your thoughts, without judging them or rejecting them, you are already aware of them. You are already one step closer to realizing the source of these questions.

So I tried doing these and the questions seemed to visit me less and less until they don't visit me any longer because what I found out is that these questions are simply stepping stones of our growth in consciousness. Yes, we need to embrace them and listen to them at some point of our lives, maybe right now you are going through this. But, as I found out myself, there will come a time when you naturally will let go of these questions. People who travel the seas in the past look at the northern star as their guidance. They constantly look at the star while they travel but once they reached their destination, they stop looking at the star. Our questions are like the northern star. They guide us in our life, telling us that we should start moving on and grow, and we should be thankful that these questions exist.

Wherever you are in your life, that is where you are supposed to be so far in your journey. Whatever your purpose or your meaning in this lifetime is, let it be. Let it manifest naturally, and simply enjoy your journey.

Whatever you are doing right now in your life, try to find happiness from it. The essential point is, you are happy, the people around you are happy, and our beautiful surrounding is not compromised. Through that journey, you may or may not find your purpose. I cannot tell you what you may find, but we can be sure that you have increased the joy in this world.

So far, we have tried to rationalize everything in our life through our intellectual mind but not with pure and sincere feelings welling up from the depths of our Goodness.

Don't think too deeply as to where you are in life right now. Try to feel whether you are happy, making others happy, and participating in keeping this Earth beautiful.

Yes, we all face problems- from simple, such as school exams, to complicated, such as international wars. Most of these problems arose from our overthinking and losing our sights on what is genuine happiness. We have tried to solve our problems through our intellectual minds for too long. By no means should we surrender ourselves to our whimsical desires and emotions arising from our ego. In fact, we should use our intellectual capacity as tools to support the greater purpose dictated by feelings that arise from Goodness.

Within you exists all the diverse energies from stars of this Universe, you are already that which contains everything and you deserve to be happy. 

Within you is Darkness, but there is also Light.

Within you is Sadness, but there is also Joy.

Within you is Anger, but there is also Understanding.

Within you is Sin, but there is also Forgiveness.

Feel these opposing forces stirring within you. When these opposing forces are in imbalance, questions start to visit us. But, let these questions visit! We can never remain balanced but, since we already know that everything exists within us, we can balance our darkness, sadness, anger, sin, and other negative feelings.  

Currently, I also have these feelings within me but as soon as they arise, the opposing feelings arises and balance them for me. Having a Space of Love helps me balance these dark feelings and thoughts. Having a refuge when you are too skewed to the negative side is a great way to cope with them. Personally, my refuge is my Space and it can be anything or anyone- family, friends, favorite mountain to climb, forest, book. It can help greatly if you choose the people you interact with. Choose those who can help you turn towards the light rather than feed your negative feelings. If you're angry at politics, stop watching the news, stop interacting with ranting people. These never solved anything but increase aggression. 

You are not escaping from your feeling, in fact, now that you are aware of the feeling, understood its source, you now know how to interact with this feeling and try to cope with it and result to your well-being.

Please understand that wherever you are right now is not only a result of one situation or event in your life. You are there because countless of coincidences occurred, whether they be good or bad, it does not matter anymore for you are already existing. What matters is how you feel where you are right now and what actions you are to do.

You do not need to know what your specific purpose in life. You simply have to trust that there is one greater purpose and do good and foster joy and happiness. Wherever you are being pulled into right now is part of this greater purpose.

BASICALLY, SIMPLY BE.

Exist right now, immerse yourself right now.

Be happy, share happiness, beautify the surroundings.

The answer that I have found is to create a Space of Love.

Yours may be anything but I secretly pray that we carry the same aspirations.

The snow has melted, the land may seem bare but in the my eyes, the flowers are already blooming.

The Space of Love: A paradise here on Earth

The spring season has awakened new forces within me. It's as if all the pent up energy gathered in the winter is now bursting, as with the life around me! Buds are coming to life, shoots are springing forth, hibernating animals are awakening, people are now outside more often- ah, the beauty of spring! Everyday is filled with immersion to Life and, though the sun is setting later in the evening, time seems not enough with the amount of work that needs to be done in the homestead.

Within this bustle of spring, a strong rain, such as today, visits us and bestowing me some quality time to pause and reflect again on what I have been doing so far.

In this season, farmers here in Hokkaido are all so busy with the plantings, land preparations, fixing structure, repairing machines, and all other matters that are needed in farming. There are moments when I get caught in their rhythm and that feeling of "I have to be as busy as them" arises. In these moments, my actions are misguided, the results of these actions are poor, I am drained of energy, and most importantly, I am not inspired by Love. In these moments, I am reminded by my Land, that what I am doing, my purpose is different. I am not living to force the land to produce food for money, I am not living to slave myself off to the system, I am here to create a family homestead, a Space of Love for my family and my co-creator.

What exactly is a Space of Love? Why am I not calling this a farm or a retreat place?

The Space of Love is a term set forth by Anastasia in the Ringing Cedars of Russia Series written by Vladimir Megre based on his encounter with her. The Space of Love is a land where your family line, your ancestors and descendants, will exist eternally and harmoniously enveloped in the bosoms of Love. Living in the Space means you are to build a house in your land with your own hands, grow food with Love, enjoy the Creations, and give birth to a fully-fledged human. Amidst all these Co-creation, true joy will be felt not only by you and your family, but also the Creations all around. Many of the problems so far in the history, in our community, and within ourselves arise from the fact that we were born without being a fully-fledged human. Physically, we may be functional, but mentally and spiritually, we are tremendously lacking. We are lost, we do not know were we belong and what is our purpose, we think we are disconnected with the Source, when in fact we always are. The Space of Love remedies all of these issues. Within the Space, we are always in direct connection with the Creations, thus the Creator. We are not swayed by dogmas or needless philosophies because everyday, every  moment, we are in communication with Oneness. We are mindful, we are always in the present moment because as we step out of the house, we are immediately surrounded by Love, fruit trees planted in Love, flowering trees and shrubs planted with Love perfume the air with ethers beneficial for us, grasses and herbs tended with care and Love heal our bodies, trees that filter and protect our Space from destructive energies, and most importantly, we are surrounded by people who sincerely Loves us and co-creates with us. A child born in this Space absorbs all of these and becomes a person worthy of carrying the crown of a Creator. In fact, we are all worthy, only if we are aware that we are worthy. We are not meant to destroy, we are meant to Create, to foster, and to bring joy from all of these.

What I and many other people around the globe are doing is not a farm, we are not looking at the land as a money making machine. We are also not making a retreat house where you only visit from time to time. We are building a Space where our family will live every moment in resplendent Love. We are trying to understand each plant, each grass, each sapling, each tree, each animal that visits us. We know that the Land will provide for us, will reflect the same Love if we pour into it same Love and effort. By no means we are lazy, for we know that whatever we put into the land, it will return thousandfold to us. 

Of course, land these days cost a fortune and not everyone can immediately build their own Kin's Domain. It's as if a system was made purposely to create this hurdle for those who want to build their Space of Love. This is currently one of the hurdles that I am contemplating on but I know for certain that this will be overcome in proper time. In all honesty, I still do not know the answer but I am sure it will manifest in this lifetime.

In the meantime, those of us who are fortunate enough to have their own land, must continue to build and put in more inspired effort to build a paradise here on Earth so that more people can see and be enveloped in our Spaces of Love.

My current physically present Co-creator. 

No matter how lifeless it may seem during the winter, in the eyes of a Creator, Life is always stirring within. Manifestation takes time, but it is already there.

The Story of Mamta

She stopped to take a breath and looked behind her as the grand view unfolded.

"It was not at easy path, but the view is worth all the effort." She told herself.

She remembered one of her Spiritual Ancestors teaching her "Mamta, you must always follow the narrow path step by step, after so, you will come to a broad path. This is the trustworthy main path."

Many have told her not to set out into the mountain. The locals called the mountain "Hepenki-nupuri". Hepenki means Source and the locals believed that whenever one reaches the top of the mountain, he or she goes back to the Source and can never return to the human realm.

"You are always looking at Hepenki-nupuri, Mamta, do you wish to go back to the Source?" her mother asked her.

"Totto, why is everyone afraid to go back to the Source?" she replied.

"Mamta, we are not afraid of the Source, it's just that once you reach the Source, you may not want to go back here again. If everyone goes back to the Source, who would be here to take care of the plants and animals?"

"But Totto, I heard from Ekashi that a few people have climbed back down after reaching the Source."

"Oh, that Ekashi! Yes, Mamta, a few, three, as far as I know, but countless of people have already climbed and never returned!"

"Totto, allow me to speak to Ekashi, only he can give permission to any townsfolk to climb the mountain."

"Oh Mamta, why? We are living so peacefully down here, so why go on about this?"

"Totto, you once told me, we are blessed here, that God gave us all of these."

"Yes, I did tell you that."

"But you also told me that many are still suffering, many are not able to live like us."

"Yes, I did tell you that as well."

"Then maybe when I reach the Source, I can know why and help them!"

"Mamta, you are not the first one to have thought of that. There are many others, but they faltered once they reached the Source."

"How do you know that, Totto?"

"Because they never returned."

Here she was, only a few steps before reaching the Peak where the Source lies. Before taking those few steps, she sat upon a rock and breathed. She saw her village, the nearby towns, the sea, other mountains, and thought, "I can now understand a little why somebody would want to stay here forever. If the view here is this beautiful, how much more if I reached the top?"

As she was resting, she reminisced her journey and how she met a few people coming down from the mountain.

The first person she met was a man who showed her how to penetrate the Soul of the World. She did not remember his name but he told her that he was a student of a man living in the desert.

"Why are you climbing back down? Isn't the Source a wonderful place?" she asked the man.

"It is, but that's not where my treasure lies." answered the man.

"Why go up, then?"

"To see the view of course, many said that the view up there is beautiful."

"You can penetrate the Soul of the World and practically go anywhere you like without going through the difficult climb, why go through the trouble of climbing up and down?" she asked.

"To someday meet you." he answered.

"Why do you want to meet me?"

"Because the omens told me so."

"Why would the omens tell you that?"

"That is for you to decide. I met you, I taught you the way to penetrate the Soul of the World. Now, I am climbing down to go back to where my treasure is."

"Will I be able to turn myself into a wind someday?"

"You already can. You can even turn silver into gold. But that is not your Personal Legend is it, Mamta?"

With those words, the man continued to climb down. A strong wind followed his path and he disappeared instantly.

She met the second person when she was struggling to find food. She was walking through the rocky part of the mountain where food was scarce. As she was about to collapse, two hands caught her and helped her take a seat upon a rock.

"Thank you" she said to the man.

"You're welcome, my child." he replied.

She noticed his palms had marks of wound, as if a sharp object had pierced through them.

"What happened to your palms?" she asked.

"Oh, a lot of things happened." he answered.

"Did the Source do that to you?"

"Oh no, no, no! My brothers and sisters did this to me."

"Why would they do that to you?"

"It's not their fault, they were not aware of the Source's greatness. My brothers and sisters are quite lost. It's alright, that's why the Source sent me again."

"Why would the Source send you again? Can you not live with the Source in peace and paradise?"

"You see, I cannot live permanently with the Source knowing that my brothers and sisters are still lost. I chose to climb back down so that I can bring them all with me again up there."

"Do they know that your coming back again to pick them up?"

"Yes, they do know, but exactly when I would come back, they do not know. Many people wrote what I taught before I decided to climb up the mountain but many also changed some of my words to fit their own agendas."

"If the people knew that you are coming back down again, why aren't they preparing to climb up with you?" she asked.

"Well, deciding to climb up the mountain requires tremendous courage and trust. Many seem to lack that, rather, many are unaware that they have that courage within themselves. They fear the Source. They fear judgement. I am from the Source, we all are, and let me tell you, it is pure bliss! They are too attached to what they have that they cannot let go and climb up to the Source. They do not know that we can all climb up and back down again and know that the Source provided all of these."

"So what are you going to do if they decided not to join you in climbing up?"

"Well, that is something that I cannot imagine. I Love them so much, that I trust that all of them will. All of my brothers and sisters will decide to join me and climb up to the Source so that I can show them how simple it is. Then we can all climb back down and start anew."

"Where do you get your complete trust to your brothers and sisters?" she asked.

"From the Source."

"I hope I can join you when you climb up again with everyone" she said to the man.

"You know what, I'll wait for you down there so that we can all climb up together."

"Thank you." she said to the man.

"Here are some bread, you're hungry, right?" said the man as he handed five loaves to her.

She met the third person as she was passing through a rocky cliff. As the man walked through the cliff, flowers bloomed instantly, sprouts emerged through the rocks, and the birds flew near him.

"Hello, would you like some bread?" she offered to the man.

"Oh, why thank you dear, but I already received five loaves from a man a while ago." he answered.

"Did you also reach the Source?" she asked.

"Yes, I did."

"Are you going back to invite the people to climb up with you?"

"Yes, I will."

"Are you not afraid of what people will do to you when you try to invite them?" she asked.

"Why would I be afraid?" he replied.

"When the man I met before tried to invite people to climb up with him, his brothers and sisters, crucified him." she replied.

"Is he not climbing down again to invite them again?" he asked.

"Yes, he is. I don't understand why though. How much Love can one person carry?" she replied.

"My dear, the man you met a while ago is a man who has seen suffering, understood it, identified its source, and knows the path to well-being. When you have fully experienced all of this, you will do the same, mark my words."

"How can I experience all of those things?" she asked.

"Through mediation and deep looking. But, you can also continue to climb up and ask the Source. I shall not hinder your self-discovery."

"When I reach the Source, can I ask the Source anything? Will the Source answer?" she asked.

"That will be your experience, I can only tell you one thing, prior to reaching the Source, you will have to meet one more person. All of us, even the man you met a while ago, have met that person before we reached the Source."

"Will that person stop me from reaching the Source?" she asked.

"No, but many have stopped their own selves to reaching the Source when they met this person." he answered.

"But I want reach the Source. I want to find a way to help other people experience happiness the way we experience it in our village." she said to the man.

"Go ahead, I am also climbing back down to share the same. I'll wait for you down there, along with the man you met a while ago. Let's climb up together." he said as he smiled and continued to climb down.

After reminiscing all the people she had met, she stood up, took a few steps, and looked over the top. There she saw, sitting on top of the rock, a woman. As the woman turned her face towards her, she saw her own self. She stood up and walked slowly towards her. She stopped when the distance between she and her were only few steps.

"Hey! You finally made it!" she said.

Mamta was silent.

"Helloo, are you there? Don't space out on me now! I have been waiting for so long!"

After finally pulling herself together, Mamta spoke, "Who are you?"

"Well, duh, I'm you of course!"

"Did the other people also meet you?" she asked

"No, they met their own selves."

"Who are you, really?" she asked.

"Well, to put it simply, I am you, taken all the good parts out. I am your darkness, greed, lust, pride, envy, sloth, you name it!"

"Are you going to stop me from reaching the Source?" she asked.

"No, but I'm here to tell you there is no Source. So, it's meaningless to say that I'm going to stop you from reaching the Source when there is in fact, no Source to be reached!"

"But all of the people I met along the way has told me about the Source." she replied

"Well, I'm here to tell you there ain't no Source. Look around, do you see anything else besides me?"

Indeed there was nothing around but the majestic view and the woman standing in front of her.

"See? You climbed up for nothing pal! But you know what, have a seat, let's talk."

She sat down with her and she started to speak.

"You see, I exist in everyone's heart. I am in all the details. You can say that I am really a powerful being. I am within the bombs that people created. I am within the disease that people created. I am within the drugs that people created. I am within the laws and regulations that people created. In fact, I am even within the institutions you call "Religion" that speak of the Source. It's so easy to sneak into everything. I can start small like being envy of another child's toy or I can go big and enslave all people! Man, I am so powerful."

"What do you get from all of that?" she asked.

"Nothing, I get nothing, but the people, ohh, they get too much satisfaction from that. They get satisfaction from killing other people, from making other people suffer. They get satisfaction by raping the land, their brothers and sisters. They get satisfaction from stealing from each other. They get satisfaction from pulling their brothers and sisters down. While I get nothing from it, they enjoy doing it too much."

"Are they aware of it?" she asked.

"Many people are. They decorate their actions with words such as "practicality", "research", "development", "progress", "modernization", "Word of God" oh man, oh man! These people are so in love with these words that they dedicate their whole lives into these words. They make a fool out of themselves, actually, a bigger fool because they already know it and they still choose to do it! They know it's poison, yet they still ingest it."

"Is there no other way to stop this?" she asked.

"Now, why would I tell you the answer to that? Even I can't do anything about it, the people themselves are doing it by themselves! I just have to sit back, relax and watch them destroy themselves."

"What would happen if they actually destroyed themselves? You would cease to exist." she said.

"Well, whether I continue to exist or not is not important. The end point is the same anyway."

"You are sad, you are sad because whichever direction humans will go, you, us, will cease to exist." she said.

"Now, where did that come from? Why are you  sympathising with me? I am your darkness, remember? I created all this suffering"

"When you cease to exist, I will also cease to exist, that is why you are sad. You did not create all of these, you were created by us. We are all Creators and we even have the capability to create darkness, you, even. Should we continue this path, we will be eventually destroyed by the being we created and all will cease to exist. That is why you are sad." she said.

"Stop this nonsense."

"I am correct, aren't I?" she said.

"Stop."

"Please, come to me. I shall embrace you. We will exist together- in harmony." she said to her.

"Darkness, my ego, you are also a part of me, you shan't cease to exist."

"I shall balance you within me."

"If you have greed, I can balance you with generosity."

"If you have lust, I can balance you with purity."

"If you have pride, I can balance you with humility."

"If you have hate, I can balance you with Love." she told her as she embraced her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she merged within her and created equanimity and grace.

"I'm going to climb back down" she told herself.

"But you haven't met the Source yet." she heard a voice within her.

"Don't worry, I already have." she replied.

"I told you, I'm not the Source."

"Yes, you are not, but both of us together, we are the Source." she replied with a smile as the flowers around her bloomed, seeds sprouted through the rocks, springs welled-up at the peak of the mountain, and countless colorful birds flew all around.

"Let's go back down. I'm going to share my answer to the three people I met." she told herself carrying a garden hoe and some seeds within her hands.

Answering some of your questions

I went back again to the Philippines before the planting season starts in Hokkaido. I have a few reasons why I decided to go back to the Philippines but all those goals were changed as my stay went by. I met new friends, reconnected with people I met years before, and discovering new connections that further deepened my understanding as to why I experienced all of what I experienced.

One of the highlights of my stay was giving a short lecture on how Anastasia has influenced my life and how I am now building my own Family Domain or Space of Love. I was able to share my insights and experiences to a class of approximately 30 students. Prior to the lecture, while I was waiting in the office of my Professor, I saw a stack of papers that I later found out was their exam. One of the questions that intrigued me the most was about what is their biggest question in their life right now. 

Their answers were equally interesting! Most of the questions were about their existence and their purpose in life. Even after my lecture, many still gave the same question as their written comment.

I am so happy to be able to be asked with these questions,

What is the purpose of life? 

Why do I exist?

What should I do next?

It seems as though looking at them from the outside, these questions seem covered by a thick layer of ego that prevents them from facing these directly. I am happy that the very loving Professor asked them what is their biggest question in their life right now because if these questions remained unanswered, it will creep in their spirit, weaken their will, and continue to live in the illusion of being lost. 

I am honored because I can now give my own answers to these questions. I have read many philosophical and spiritual books but the answer that I will provide is not the ultimate answer. I can only share my own experience and tell how I found my "treasure" as Paulo Coelho beautifully portrays it, where my heart lies. Just as Buddha mentioned, my fingers are pointing towards the moon, look at the moon, not my finger. It's like studying for an exam, you don't study the answers for the exam, you study how to find the answers on the exam. I will now share how I experienced it, but you will have your own experience, certainly, and trust yourself to it.

God's will and surrender

One of the roots as to why we question our existence is because of our concept of god. We are told to believe in God, that God is this, God is that. The problem is, most of the people that tell us what God is, have not truly experienced what they are saying. 

Yes, there are scriptures, you can read them, but make sure to contemplate on them and confirm it yourself. Scriptures were written and can be changed to fit one's own selfish agenda so trust yourself to your own experience, your own insight, and your own understanding. God is not many things that you think God is. God can only be experienced through deep looking and fervent contemplation. Once you experience God, Oneness, you will not be able to explain it. Before we say you will surrender everything to God's will, make sure that you have no concept of God first. Surrender means experiencing every moment, every second, every encounter and pouring all of yourself to it. You do not discriminate whether this is good or this is bad. I contemplated and meditated on this for quite a long time but I experienced and felt the Oneness with my surrounding once or twice so far in my lifetime while I was touching the grass on my land.

I felt that true surrender can only be done once you have removed all your concepts of God. You have to empty the cup first for it to be filled again. Once you have thrown away all your concepts of God, then the pure, experience of Oneness can be felt and you truly surrender because you will know that there is no believing, there is only trust. I trust in what I felt, what I experienced and that can never be destroyed by any troubles or challenges. Belief can someday bring doubt, but knowing and experiencing will result to unbreakable trust. 

Because of my experience, I can surrender myself completely. I have now surrendered to where the next omen will bring me. Now, whether a good or bad thing happens, I now look at it as something to experience. We cannot control everything that happens outside but what we can control is how we perceive things and as our perception changes, so does our surrounding.

BASICALLY, go ahead and surrender yourself and trust to your experience of how God works in your life. Don't surrender to other's concept. Do not walk blindly. Open your eyes and look into the signs. Many are only fearful of opening their eyes because it might blind them for their eyes have been closed for so long that the darkness may feel more comfortable. 

Looking Outside

Many are also looking outside, seeking answers. Many try to escape from facing their inner demons and go out traveling, watch t.v., drink alcohol, party, and many more. Many try to find answers when in fact it is already in their pockets they are just too busy looking into other people's pocket. You can look into other people's pocket and find nothing. The answer that I have found may not be similar to yours but the place where I searched for it, which is inward, is similar to yours. Many people have become lazy and try blaming others, looking outside, and simply accepting that they still lack something within when in fact, their answer is just covered by a very thick pile of ego. The ego has covered the truth within them and their attitude towards it adds more cover on the truth. The truth is like a grass trying to grow on the cracks on the cement. It thrives to seek the light yet we continue to pour cement over it. We are still fortunate that the truth wants to seek the light for if it stops, we would become barren, lifeless, landscape of cold concrete.

Purpose

After that "experience" when I touched the grass on my land, I realized what my purpose is in this life or my existence. The purpose is not to question what your purpose is but to simply experience life and be happy. Create, enjoy the present moment, experience the wonders of Creations, bring new birth in this life, these are what makes me happy. What makes you happy, as long as this brings true happiness to others, to your environment, then do that. You exist here to experience this life and be happy and help others be happy. The better question to ask is "what are the steps I need to take to be happy and to make others happy?"

I find that being mindful of the present moment, experiencing life as it is, is a great way to derive happiness from any problems. Most of our stress and problems arise from our overthinking of situations that have not happened yet but we imagined them out of fear and fear multiplies the scale of this thought. Also, you can only share happiness once you are overflowing with happiness. You cannot be truly happy if you are sacrificing your mental, spiritual, and physical health to make other happy. This is not true happiness because if others see you hurting yourself just to make them happy, it will cause them unhappiness. 

Your purpose is not to change the world, your purpose is to change yourself and become truly happy. When one has truly overcome and embraced the ego, found true happiness, then we can naturally help others be happy without forcefully doing it.

This is part one of my answers or insights from my sharing in the Philippines, please wait for part two!

Photo of The Galaxy Farm Farm Away of NuWave Farmers in the University of the Philippines Los Banos