Where do I really belong? This is the question that really bugged me before I opened my eyes to the beauty of this Universe. My father is a Japanese, my mother is a Filipino. Considering the papers, I am a "half", as many would say. All my life in the Philippines, when they asked me my name, many reacted in a surprised manner and replied "chinese ka ba?". I corrected them saying "kalahating hapon po". I always replied with a mixture of doubt because I myself is not sure if what I am saying is true. Not that I doubt the fidelity of my parents but that I was unsure of where I really belong. When I was in elementary school in the Philippines, when the history lesson was on Japanese conquest on the Philippines, many of my classmates gave a look as if I was part of that conquest! Many called me names as "hapon", "grabe kayong mga hapon". Oh I remember how I felt the pain and suffering during those days but now I simply remember it as a manifestation of the suffering of the ignorance of the parents and society. This experience led to harbour some sort of hate towards my classmates during that time. I now know that seeds of hate within us lay dormant and can only be watered by hate and cultivated by hate and negligence.
Years went by and I still have not recognized my true roots. When we visited Japan, I did carry a Japanese passport but I still experienced some "stereotyping" from some ignorant people. I had experiences where police approached me and searched for a foreigner residence card when, in fact, I am a Japanese citizen. I told them in my best Japanese accent "I am a Japanese citizen, what are you talking about?". These experiences left a bitter memory within me but now I embrace these as lessons on the apparent, creeping suffering caused by ignorance and control of the system.
What system?
A system that forcefully created imaginary lines dividing countries and people. A system that has been established in the past millennia. We divided the waters, the sky, the land, and the people. We waged wars to expand our imaginary boundaries. In Japan, there is still some unrest with the northern islands and Russia when, originally, the northern lands of Yezo were settled by the Ainu indigenous people.
We created some sort of ego out of our imaginary nations. "I am a proud Filipino", "I am proud to be Japanese". Why can't we simply exist as humans? No ego, no boundaries. United in Love and Truth. If being a Japanese or a Filipino means I have to assimilate the misconceptions and false beliefs just to have a feeling of "togetherness" with a country, then I choose to be none and all.
I choose to be none of the labels that we write in the paper with a signature that tells us "who" we are.
I choose to be all that exists. Even existing as a physical human is momentary relative to the timescale of the Universe. Our physical bodies are nourished by the plants, animals, water, and air. We are made out of living and non-living elements, and our physical bodies shall return to be so. In essence, we are all that exists now and that, for me, is grace and beauty. When I realized these, the petty distinctions became diluted in an ocean of understanding and love. All actions will now transcend the imaginary boundaries we have created.
I now know and feel my true roots. It has always been with me even before I was born. Looking at the living beings and the minerals, I can see who I am and who I am not.
I am who I am and who I am not.
We may say "I am not hate, greed, or lust!" Looking deeply, all of these are within us, laying dormant. It is only up to us whether we cultivate it or not. So, yes, you are hate, greed, and lust but you are also Love, Truth, and Understanding.
Many of our misdeeds and sufferings are born from our confusion and disconnection from our true roots just as how I made numerous huge mistakes in the past.
A good place to start is with questions such as when I asked myself "where do I really belong?". Although it took some time and caused a lot of suffering, it led me to this realization.
"I know that I am going to be a butterfly soon, but right now, I am a cocoon, and I am happy to be one under this Oak Tree"
