A Contemplation on a Quiet Autumn Day: Where should we be now?

Before winter sets in, I have been moving and working as if I am a bear who is about to hibernate. Though, I know that I have to stop sometimes, I was lost for a moment and tried to busy myself with work. Today, I was able to stop, light a fire on the wood stove, and slowly contemplate and face my inner turbulences.

The question that recently I am asking myself and also hearing from other people is "Am I where I should be right now?" This question stems from deep anxiety and fear that we are not fulfilled with where we are now. We think that we are currently not doing enough to be satisfied with life. This is commonly referred to as the "quarter life crisis".

I also asked myself this question a quite a few times. I have seen people who are quite far ahead in life and doing what I wanted to do. I have seen people of my age doing something beyond my abilities. Once you start comparing yourself with others, that is when anxiety kicks in and slowly, fear creeps through our system. Once we start looking at another's plate, we tend to look at our own and compare it with them.

I tried to face this side of mine a number of times but no matter how hard I try to "fight" it, the anxiety and fear still lingers. Recently, I have found the answer. After fighting this "demon" inside me, I realized that this demon is only feeding on my focus and stubbornness to deny it. From the very beginning there is no demon to fight. Fighting it solves nothing. A demon stops being a demon once you embrace it with love and acceptance.

This is how I tried to face this anxiety.

Recognize and accept that you carry this feeling

The very first step is acceptance and recognizing that you have this anxiety. This not only applies on anxiety but on other feelings such as loneliness, insecurities, fear, envy, and others as well. Do not deny that you are anxious of something. Accept it. Recognize that this feeling lingers within you. Because you now recognize this feeling, you can look into it directly. You no longer deny its existence. This first step is very important because without properly identifying this feeling, this will continue to take over our lives and decisions. Before you actually get to know anyone, your first see their face, hear their voice, and know their name. You first get to recognize them before actually getting to know them deeper.

Look deeply into this feeling and learn its roots

After being able to recognize and accept the existence of this feeling, you can now look into it deeply face to face. By looking deeply, we can learn more about this feeling.

"Why are you here?"

"Where did you come from?"

"Why do you exist?"

These are some questions you can ask yourself and to this feeling to know more about it. As you learn more about it, you will know where this feeling came from. Did this anxiety come from comparing yourself with others? Is this what I really want to do with my life? Did this hate come from your past experience? You don't have to deny anything. Simply ask yourself these questions and whatever answer arises, accept it. This is the origin of your suffering, embrace it! You have now recognized your anxiety, and looked deeply into it and realized its origin.

Finding the solution to face this feeling

Now that you have learned and understood the origin of this anxiety, you can now come up with a solution that will help remove this suffering. Maybe you need to put more focus on what you are doing. Maybe, instead of comparing what you are doing with others, you can learn from what others are doing and apply it to your life and improve upon it. Maybe you need to avoid seeing these things so what you have to do is filter your social networks or even completely remove it. Only after deep looking can a true and proper solution arise. Do not hurry, give it time. Look deeply as much as you can so you can be sure as to what action you must do. Maybe you do not even have to do anything and this feeling will dissipate. The essential step is to be able to look into it and embrace it as a friend and not as an enemy. 

Stepping forward or backward

So the question is are you stepping forward or backward? You may ask this question yourself but it is important to know that step is a step. Whether it is forward or backward, that's not important. The important thing is you are aware of each step you take. There is no forward or backward, you simply are where you should be. In this moment, you do not have to be anywhere. You simply have to be there. When the time comes to step again, you step again. It may be forward, backward, left, or right- the essential thing is that you are ready to let go and accept new things to enter your life. You may see others in front of you but being in front does not necessarily mean you have to be in the front as well. The direction you need to go may be on the east or the west. It may even be possible that where we have to go is back. Life and technology have become complicated because of our twisted perspective on the concept of development and progress! If this is the current understanding of moving forward, then I would rather step backward. 

Even in relationships and partnerships, we are either afraid to take a step, or we are in too much of a hurry to take a step that we make mistakes and love turns into hate. Here, I have experiences where a person is too focused on stepping forward that the person loses sight of the people and events currently around. People tend to forget what they have currently and try to move forward trying to seek something in the future when in fact, when they look closely to what they have now, it is just within their reach. I have encountered people here where they wait for a certain opportunity or a status in life before they can experience other aspects of life. This is one of the traps of suffering. Thinking that you currently do not have what you need so you wait for the future to be happy is a perfect source of anxiety and suffering. 

So, wherever you are right now in life, you are supposed to be there. When the proper time arrives for you to take a step, take your step confidently. Go ahead and look at other people's direction but know that you have your own direction to go to. They may look far away from where you are going but that does not mean that you are behind. Each one of us takes a detour in life thinking that this is were we should be going when in fact all of us will reach the same direction in the end, so why not enjoy the journey? It's actually more fun to have a longer journey so just enjoy where you are right now. Turn, meander, take a U-turn, step backward, go up and down, go wherever you want! Just make sure that with each step, you are stepping with love and kindness, embracing creations and manifesting peace!

"The person is where he or she should be right now. You are where you should be. It is that simple. Tomorrow, you will be where you should be. So, just do what you have to do now, and think of nothing else"

(Photo of Mt. Otobe taken from Assabu)

Here comes winter! Winter house preparations and a little DIY renovations

The days are getting shorter and shorter while the nights drag on longer. Winter is coming, and it's coming in fast! The first snow already fell but melted the next day. The surrounding was white for a moment but as soon as the sun shone, all melted away. This is just the beginning! Nature is just telling us that soon, the snow will pile up so do all the things you have to do before the snow starts piling up!

Within half an hour the weather changed and the surrounding became all white!

The houses built in this area are made similar to the warmer areas of mainland Japan. The main problem is that during summers, the house is hot inside and very cold in winter! There are draughts going inside the house from all around. To lessen the draught problem, people in this area place a temporary wrap on the windows. Most of the draught go through the window so it is essential to cover it properly. Double pane or even triple pane windows are very expensive so most of the houses here simply use a normal window. 

Setting a 7mm bubble wrap on one of the rooms

Covering the other entrance that I never used! I placed wood frames then about ten centimeters of foam insulation. I will place a plywood or a pallet to cover the foam. 

One of the ways to reduce heating cost of the house is to lessen your living space. This means only using the stuff you need, not buying more stuff, and making the room use as efficient as you can. I covered the other room and then sealed with a plastic bubble wrap.

Heating the house is also one of my concern this winter. The way you heat the house will greatly affect the cost of heating the house. Currently, most people use kerosene to heat their houses. It easier and more convenient to buy kerosene and simply turn on the stove and wait until the house gets warm. Convenience comes with a hidden cost. It is really irrational to think that the fuel used to heat the house has to come from another country. To process the fuel, another fuel needs to be used. To transport the fuel, fuel again is needed. Before it reaches your home, it already used a considerable amount of fuel. Comparing it with using firewood readily available in my surrounding, firewood is more efficient energy wise, and environment wise. Fossil fuel is a non-renewable energy source. It took thousands of years to form and it takes only a few centuries to use all of it. As for firewood, you cut the wood, and new tree will grow in 6-10 years. Using local resources to heat the house was the best choice for me so I replaced the kerosene stove in the house with a wood stove. I got a help from my friend in installing this wood stove.

The chimney is not yet installed but the bricks were placed around. The bricks were not mortared permanently because next year I will be building a house and I am only renting this house.

Before the snow falls, I started gathering firewood from all over the town. Fallen branches, felled trees from the typhoon, demolished houses, and cardboards from neighbours. I was amazed as to how much stuff people don't need that can still be used! They consider these things as trash but once you decided on pursuing a minimalist lifestyle, nothing can be considered as trash!

Still not enough firewood for one winter!

One of the exciting jobs in winter is construction work inside the house! Now, I can start doing some carpentry or masonry work in the house. I wanted to cover the grey-colored cement floor with a more earthy touch of brown or beige color. I mixed some clay with cement and sand and plastered the whole floor of the entrance!

Cement plastered floor. Personally, the grey color gave off a bleak feeling

Cement, clay, sand mixture.

First-timer's plaster job!

This was my first time doing a plaster job. I have no idea how the plaster should feel or how much water should be added. I improvised as I went! It was really fun and it was pretty levelled. This is one aspect of living a DIY (do-it-yourself) lifestyle. Instead of hiring someone to do this for you, you try to do it with your own skills. No matter your skill level, as long as you try doing it yourself, you learn through the process and a feeling of doing it better next time will arise. You slowly learn how to use your own talents to grab hold of your life. Many DIYers miss the point that DIY is not simply carpentry work or doing something fashionable and stylish. DIY means knowing that you are capable of living in its true essence. Besides carpentry and handicrafts, you have to learn how to cook, how to build a house, how to fix the toilet, how to build a bathroom, how to grow your own food and many many more! DIY also entails reusing as much materials as you can. Instead of using new, non-renewable materials, we try to reuse them as much as possible because we are aware of the environmental impact of manufacturing these products. In doing some carpentry work, instead of using imported wood materials, we use local materials. Instead of buying new insulation materials, we try to find alternative, more ecological materials. In the entrance cover that I made, I reused the insulation foam used by the previous farmer and also reused the wooden frames and pallets. There are limitless possibilities! 

As the winter sets in, more thoughts, considerations, and imaginations flow into or spring from my mind! I am thankful for the hot summers and the cool autumn. I am thankful for the busy life of summer. Now, I am thankful for the calming winter. It is time to stop. Start meditating and planning for next year's bounty! Winter is a time for imagining the next spring's co-creation! 

"Now is the moment you should be in. Be in it. Cherish it. Then happily let it go."

(Photo taken at Katsurazawa Dam in Mikasa City)

Writing a Love Letter...To Yourself.

Have you ever written a love letter to someone? Have you ever received a love letter from someone? I have received and written one before and I felt very happy that I can think and write slowly what I really feel. It helped me express my feelings calmly and not get lost in the moment. The thought that the person who wrote the letter for me spent time and effort to express something to me is very heartwarming so I also spend time to properly reply.

Today, because of easy communication through texting and e-mails, writing a letter has been quite rare. We prefer to communicate faster and easier and most often through that convenience, something is lost. The depth of the words, the effort in each letter are lost along the way and even though communicating has become very quick and convenient, we forget to relate wholeheartedly. In the face of convenience, effort is lost, feelings are diluted, meaning is blurred.

Recently, I have almost been lost in the convenience of electronic communication so I stopped for a while to write something...a love letter. This letter is not just for anyone, this letter was for me.

This is how it went.

Dear Toshi,

I hope this message reaches you in light and loving spirits! Recently you have been very busy with your preparation for winter. You have been focusing outwardly to other people. I see you are disturbed and your heart is wavering. Why are you anxious? Why do you fear?

Please stop for a while and feel that I love you. I love you with all I am. You are loved. It is alright.

Everything that shall come to pass will pass. You are on the right path. Trust the signs and move accordingly. Embrace your fears and anxiety.

Love everyone and everything! Even your fears and mistakes. Love them. Without these, you are not who you are.

All is well. All is well. 

Listen to your heart, tell it that fear is just a feeling out of lack of trust to the path. Trust me, trust your path, trust the signs.

You may sometimes get hurt, tired, stressed, and frustrated to things going that are unplanned, but, trust me, these are planned. Planned by who? By us of course! We have already created images of a bright future and all we are waiting for is for these to physically manifest. Trust these images!

If you sometimes feel tired and lost, just stop and breath. Notice that I am here. Know that you are loved and you can love people, plants, animals, and minerals.

With all the Love in this world,

Toshi

This is how the letter went. As I was writing this letter, I felt very happy and calm. I was filled with love not from anyone else but from within me! This is one way to learn how to love oneself! This helps us realize how much love is already present within us. After writing a love letter to yourself, and after feeling you have lots of love within you, share it to someone else! Write a love letter to your friend, loved ones, or even your enemies! It doesn't need to be a romantic one. It can be a love letter of gratitude, forgiveness, presence, or understanding. 

Spend time to write, express, and share your feelings. I know it is easier and faster to send via email or text but writing and giving your full presence as you write will surely make your feelings reach that person. It does not matter whether they reply or not. The important thing is you showed your presence to that person. You made them aware that you are willing to spend time for them. Many people here around me are always busy! I just want to share with them that they can stop for a while, and create time. A time to reevaluate, reconnect, and reform the foundation of self.

Please, I urge you to create time to stop and write yourself a love letter and you will be surprised as to how much love can spring from your own self!

Under and Above the Tree of Life, We are All Connected 

Teaching from the Falling Leaf: Letting go of Attachments

Autumn has arrived here in Hokkaido. Leaves are starting to fall, colors are changing, fruits are being harvested, hay is being made, and the last spurt of insects are seen. The energy of life is enjoyed to its fullest as the winds of north slowly cools everything down to slumber.

As I was sitting under the shade to have a break from cutting firewood, I focused my attention to a birch tree. During this season, the birch tree is slowly letting go of its leaves to prepare for the long nap during the winter. Sitting there, looking at the falling leaves, I felt an insight on life! Actually, the timing of this insight couldn't have been any better because for the past week, I have been struggling through some turbulences within me- Attachments.

When we say attachments, there must always be more than one object. The one attaching itself and the one being attached to. In this instance I was the one attaching myself to different people and this caused me to steer away from who I really am. I was continuously forcing changes within my perspective and goals to fit the preferences of other people. 

When one is attaching to something or someone, only the ego is being fed. The ego grows stronger as you allow attachments to take control of your life. Attachments to material is one of the largest feed of the ego. We attach ourselves to the notion that materials will bring completeness to us even if we already have enough of what we need. We attach ourselves to people who we think will make us happy when in fact, happiness is already within us, presently available. We attach ourselves to a certain belief or doctrine and we cause conflicts with people with other beliefs or even with people with the same belief. In worst cases, when attachment to belief or doctrine has become too formidable, people can cause a lot of suffering and pains.

If attachment causes lots of suffering and pain, then how can we love someone or our partner? Attachment and love are never found together. True love does not seek attachment because it does not seek happiness or completeness from the outside. True love is aware of the connectedness of everything and since all is connected there is no need to be attached to a single object. Though I am aware of this, since I still have an ego, I forget and sometimes catch myself slowly attaching to people and notions. That is why, it is important to learn to stop doing anything when these feelings arise. Stop and sit, drink tea, breathe. Just like a storm, this too shall pass. When a storm or typhoon arrives, we do not go out  to the typhoon and shout at it. We do not go in rage against the typhoon. What we can only do is to wait for it to pass and enjoy the clear sky after the typhoon.

Just like the leaf of the birch tree, it is now the time to let go, so it lets go. The birch tree also lets go. Both knows that it is time. This is not separation. Both knows that the leaf will decompose back into the soil and one day be the leaf again. The leaf may even end up as the rain that will moisten the dry soil of the forest. No matter the physical form, the leaf and the birch is connected. This is true love. So when the time arrives, let go. Gracefully let go of attachments. Be happy that you can let go! Only through letting go of leaves can new buds emerge! Be humble and let go of the things you know and admit that you do not know. Only through a blank canvas can a magnificent image be painted.

Truly love people, animals, plants, and minerals for they are us and we are them.

Sleeping Birch Trees in Winter