Before winter sets in, I have been moving and working as if I am a bear who is about to hibernate. Though, I know that I have to stop sometimes, I was lost for a moment and tried to busy myself with work. Today, I was able to stop, light a fire on the wood stove, and slowly contemplate and face my inner turbulences.
The question that recently I am asking myself and also hearing from other people is "Am I where I should be right now?" This question stems from deep anxiety and fear that we are not fulfilled with where we are now. We think that we are currently not doing enough to be satisfied with life. This is commonly referred to as the "quarter life crisis".
I also asked myself this question a quite a few times. I have seen people who are quite far ahead in life and doing what I wanted to do. I have seen people of my age doing something beyond my abilities. Once you start comparing yourself with others, that is when anxiety kicks in and slowly, fear creeps through our system. Once we start looking at another's plate, we tend to look at our own and compare it with them.
I tried to face this side of mine a number of times but no matter how hard I try to "fight" it, the anxiety and fear still lingers. Recently, I have found the answer. After fighting this "demon" inside me, I realized that this demon is only feeding on my focus and stubbornness to deny it. From the very beginning there is no demon to fight. Fighting it solves nothing. A demon stops being a demon once you embrace it with love and acceptance.
This is how I tried to face this anxiety.
Recognize and accept that you carry this feeling
The very first step is acceptance and recognizing that you have this anxiety. This not only applies on anxiety but on other feelings such as loneliness, insecurities, fear, envy, and others as well. Do not deny that you are anxious of something. Accept it. Recognize that this feeling lingers within you. Because you now recognize this feeling, you can look into it directly. You no longer deny its existence. This first step is very important because without properly identifying this feeling, this will continue to take over our lives and decisions. Before you actually get to know anyone, your first see their face, hear their voice, and know their name. You first get to recognize them before actually getting to know them deeper.
Look deeply into this feeling and learn its roots
After being able to recognize and accept the existence of this feeling, you can now look into it deeply face to face. By looking deeply, we can learn more about this feeling.
"Why are you here?"
"Where did you come from?"
"Why do you exist?"
These are some questions you can ask yourself and to this feeling to know more about it. As you learn more about it, you will know where this feeling came from. Did this anxiety come from comparing yourself with others? Is this what I really want to do with my life? Did this hate come from your past experience? You don't have to deny anything. Simply ask yourself these questions and whatever answer arises, accept it. This is the origin of your suffering, embrace it! You have now recognized your anxiety, and looked deeply into it and realized its origin.
Finding the solution to face this feeling
Now that you have learned and understood the origin of this anxiety, you can now come up with a solution that will help remove this suffering. Maybe you need to put more focus on what you are doing. Maybe, instead of comparing what you are doing with others, you can learn from what others are doing and apply it to your life and improve upon it. Maybe you need to avoid seeing these things so what you have to do is filter your social networks or even completely remove it. Only after deep looking can a true and proper solution arise. Do not hurry, give it time. Look deeply as much as you can so you can be sure as to what action you must do. Maybe you do not even have to do anything and this feeling will dissipate. The essential step is to be able to look into it and embrace it as a friend and not as an enemy.
Stepping forward or backward
So the question is are you stepping forward or backward? You may ask this question yourself but it is important to know that step is a step. Whether it is forward or backward, that's not important. The important thing is you are aware of each step you take. There is no forward or backward, you simply are where you should be. In this moment, you do not have to be anywhere. You simply have to be there. When the time comes to step again, you step again. It may be forward, backward, left, or right- the essential thing is that you are ready to let go and accept new things to enter your life. You may see others in front of you but being in front does not necessarily mean you have to be in the front as well. The direction you need to go may be on the east or the west. It may even be possible that where we have to go is back. Life and technology have become complicated because of our twisted perspective on the concept of development and progress! If this is the current understanding of moving forward, then I would rather step backward.
Even in relationships and partnerships, we are either afraid to take a step, or we are in too much of a hurry to take a step that we make mistakes and love turns into hate. Here, I have experiences where a person is too focused on stepping forward that the person loses sight of the people and events currently around. People tend to forget what they have currently and try to move forward trying to seek something in the future when in fact, when they look closely to what they have now, it is just within their reach. I have encountered people here where they wait for a certain opportunity or a status in life before they can experience other aspects of life. This is one of the traps of suffering. Thinking that you currently do not have what you need so you wait for the future to be happy is a perfect source of anxiety and suffering.
So, wherever you are right now in life, you are supposed to be there. When the proper time arrives for you to take a step, take your step confidently. Go ahead and look at other people's direction but know that you have your own direction to go to. They may look far away from where you are going but that does not mean that you are behind. Each one of us takes a detour in life thinking that this is were we should be going when in fact all of us will reach the same direction in the end, so why not enjoy the journey? It's actually more fun to have a longer journey so just enjoy where you are right now. Turn, meander, take a U-turn, step backward, go up and down, go wherever you want! Just make sure that with each step, you are stepping with love and kindness, embracing creations and manifesting peace!
"The person is where he or she should be right now. You are where you should be. It is that simple. Tomorrow, you will be where you should be. So, just do what you have to do now, and think of nothing else"
(Photo of Mt. Otobe taken from Assabu)
